Rule #21: From the Employee Handbook

If something goes wrong... PANIC! What is the point of keeping your composure when the compost has already hit the fan, covering you from head to toe in decaying shit?

Rule #11: From the Employee Handbook

If it's not broke, by all means try to fix it. What could possibly go wrong? If it is broke, well... fuck it, I retire in less than two years.

It's called "E-mail" not "Twitter"

Thanks again for the play-by-play on every little detail of your charities. Honestly, I really do care.

Rule #13: From the Employee Handbook

When writing an automated script to fix a particular problem, one must never test the scripts to make sure they work prior to going live with them. Furthermore, once the scripts have gone live, one must never double check that they are actually working as intended. Assumption is good enough, and the burden of proof consumes too much time that could be otherwise be spent jumping through a series of bureaucratic hoops and accomplishing nothing. Besides... what would one do tomorrow if the problem was solved today, before it blossomed into a full blown cluster fuck? (See Rule #4)

Rule #6: From the Employee Handbook

"If work begins to run low, we must wait until it has completely dried up and our employees are sitting on their hands doing nothing before we light a fire under the asses of our property managers to keep our contractors busy. This will ensure that there is always a reason to nag."

Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck

In a blood lusting fit of rage, I turn around to give Snapper Man the stink eye, accompanied by a Clowers Headshake of Disapproval. I do this every time he walks by, yet he still continues to do it incessantly. Does he realize what an obnoxious prick he is, and keeps doing it for his own nefarious and spiteful reasons, or does he think he's perpetually in an off-broadway production of Westside Story? I think the former... how else would one develop such an annoying habit, unless he realizes how distracting it is and gets his rocks off by being a nuisance to others for no apparent reason? Even with my headphones on, I can still tell when he is passing by, and even though it's happened at least a thousand times since I started here a few weeks back, I still haven't acclimatized myself to not turn around when somebody walks up behind me and starts snapping, because in my experience it's always been impersonal asshole-speak for, "Hey, you!" As peevish as that is to me, it's twice as bad when you turn your head in response only to see somebody walk right past.

Rule #4: From the Employee Handbook

"Even if a potential problem is realized ahead of time, we must wait until it blooms into a full-scale cluster fuck before we even begin to take steps to alleviate said problem."