Rule #13: From the Employee Handbook

When writing an automated script to fix a particular problem, one must never test the scripts to make sure they work prior to going live with them. Furthermore, once the scripts have gone live, one must never double check that they are actually working as intended. Assumption is good enough, and the burden of proof consumes too much time that could be otherwise be spent jumping through a series of bureaucratic hoops and accomplishing nothing. Besides... what would one do tomorrow if the problem was solved today, before it blossomed into a full blown cluster fuck? (See Rule #4)

Rule #6: From the Employee Handbook

"If work begins to run low, we must wait until it has completely dried up and our employees are sitting on their hands doing nothing before we light a fire under the asses of our property managers to keep our contractors busy. This will ensure that there is always a reason to nag."

Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck

In a blood lusting fit of rage, I turn around to give Snapper Man the stink eye, accompanied by a Clowers Headshake of Disapproval. I do this every time he walks by, yet he still continues to do it incessantly. Does he realize what an obnoxious prick he is, and keeps doing it for his own nefarious and spiteful reasons, or does he think he's perpetually in an off-broadway production of Westside Story? I think the former... how else would one develop such an annoying habit, unless he realizes how distracting it is and gets his rocks off by being a nuisance to others for no apparent reason? Even with my headphones on, I can still tell when he is passing by, and even though it's happened at least a thousand times since I started here a few weeks back, I still haven't acclimatized myself to not turn around when somebody walks up behind me and starts snapping, because in my experience it's always been impersonal asshole-speak for, "Hey, you!" As peevish as that is to me, it's twice as bad when you turn your head in response only to see somebody walk right past.

Rule #4: From the Employee Handbook

"Even if a potential problem is realized ahead of time, we must wait until it blooms into a full-scale cluster fuck before we even begin to take steps to alleviate said problem."

Snap, snapity, snapiness

I find that in the workplace its nice to pull back from your desk and pause. Pause and have that moment of still, a chance to stretch and close your eyes....reset from the dual monitor stare down. Unfortunately there are those in this world that see the aisles and cubes of the corporate world as their own personal area with which they may do as they please. And by that I mean, snap your fingers, sneeze loud enough to wake the rotting corpses of a far off cemetery, or clip thy finger nails. Don't get me wrong, a mani/pedi can be relaxing and well groomed nails are always a good idea, but it should never be done in the company of others. GO TO THE BATHROOM. GO OUTSIDE. GO HOME. These are your options for grooming yourself. What next? Trim pubes in the cafeteria?

The nervous habits of the overactive, under-stimulated folk come out in the workplace quite often. Tapping on the desk, bouncing the legs, humming, clicking a pen...but snapping your fingers? All the time? Really? Join a swing band fucko. Snap yourself silly.

I keep waiting to get up to grab some water and see brains and skull bits from the bombastic sneezer guy down the way. Its nasal evacuation on the herculean level. I think I shot out of my seat the first time it happened. I just want to know if its necessary.

If you could care any more, I couldn't care less...

Since getting my work e-mail up and running, I've been subjected to a constant barrage of new mail notifications. As with any e-mail account, except for the most clandestine of super-secret alias accounts, it mostly just fills up with junk. The only difference between my home account and my work account is that, at home, the sender and subject fields are usually usually filled by randomly generated strings of alphanumeric characters, letting me know that I could increase the size of my junk, whereas at work I am flooded by messages from our 16th floor Receptionist / HR person notifying everybody in our department of different charitable opportunities.

Now, the issue here is not "I worked hard to earn my money and those filthy poor people should do the same," because that argument is invalid nine times out of ten. Afterall, not many employers that could afford to pay their employees a livable wage would seriously consider an applicant with no home address, and thus no shower, etc. Anyway, I digress... the issue here is, "how in the hell does forming a human chain across a pedestrain bridge help anybody?" It may be a weak metaphor for solidarity and interconnectedness, but that symbolic crap isn't putting any food on the table (or the curb, if you will).

Can we please stop pretending that we care about other people? Really, it's cute, but please stop.